Choosing Not to Play Small

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
-Marianne Williamson


The last few weeks have been eventful on many levels. From a meeting with a wonderful spiritual leader, to starting a self-study in A Course in Miracles and continuing to learn Nonviolent Communication, to completing the three and a half day Foundations of Facilitation training, this time has been ripe with intrapersonal and interpersonal growth.

Here’s a small sampling of what I’ve been learning and exploring:
-The first few times the universe/Holy Spirit presents us with a lesson, we can choose to learn through joy. It is only after we have rejected or failed to learn from these attempts that the lessons become painful (unless of course, the lesson was about pain, those are unavoidable and necessary).
-When I’m living with God at the forefront of my life, decisions come with ease because I’m being led, rather than letting my ego lead.
-When we judge others harshly, it is almost always a projection of the ways in which we are unhappy with ourselves.
-How we communicate with ourselves and others is a discrete skill that can be heightened.
-We crave deep authentic connections, and deep authentic connections are how we will heal our world.
-I am at my best when I remind myself to soften and ask, “what would love do here?”

I often wish I could plug others directly into my heart and mind, and this is certainly one of those instances. As I mentioned in a previous blog, our collective language has failed to keep up with our evolving consciousness; we literally don’t have the words for some of our experiences. How do I express that I want to change the world in a way that catches the complexities and undertones of what that means without sounding banal? When I say I want to create spaces and places for people to connect in ways that unearth feelings they may have kept dormant for years, do you hear the earnestness in my message? When I question our societal norms and expectations and demand to know why things “have” to be a certain way, can you feel my conviction and desire for us to do and be better?

When I take the totality of my experiences into consideration and ask myself where I’m being led, the answer has become clear: it’s time to pursue these adventures full time! After a decade in the classroom, I will be leaving public school teaching at the end of this year to pursue a new kind of teaching and facilitating, one based on helping others reach the fullness of who they are so they can show up powerfully in their world!

What will this look like? Well first, I’ll acknowledge this is a giant leap of faith and I’m trusting in myself and the universe. This will look like me creating content in several areas and offering workshops, experiences, coaching, and much more in the areas of personal growth and connection. I’ll be working for myself and allowing myself to be guided to areas where I can utilize my gifts and talents to effect change. I will offer content in creative visualization, authentic relating experiences, relationship dynamics and configurations, and life-organization to name a few. I will be pursuing certifications in Nonviolent Communication, Conscious Uncoupling, and Cuddle Party. I have also started to work on content related to LGBTQ+ cultural competencies in the classroom that I plan on pitching to Region 20 over the summer.

What does this mean for me functionally? Well, a lot, haha! Everything will change. This decision comes with many inherent sacrifices and its fair share of uncertainty. And there’s an incredible little person who depends on me--not a small point in all of this. Nonetheless, because I know I’m being led in this direction, it still feels like the absolute right decision. Concurrently, I’ll be able to finish my LPC licensure much more quickly, and at the end of the day, I’m still a certified teacher and administrator. I will also likely substitute teach throughout the next school year to have some guaranteed income while still allowing my time to be flexible. I have no doubt that these years in teaching have prepared me for this, and though I may or may not enter back into public education in the future, I am eternally grateful for this time and my roughly 1500 students who easily taught me more than I ever taught them.

How can you support me during this time? If you found yourself wondering this, first, thank you! :) There are some very tangible ways I could use help. I am for all intents and purposes, creating a business. This means I need to learn things about: taxes, creating a website, trademark rules, making an online presence, getting personal health insurance, and all the things I don’t even know I don’t know yet! I have no expectation for this to be easy, so I can check that off now!

Emotionally, I will need encouragement, companionship, and lots of positivity sent my way.

Financially, there are several out of state trainings I’m trying to make it to this summer that will cost several thousand dollars. Not that long ago, I would have felt I was not worthy enough to have others support me in this way; now I believe I am a worthy investment, and one that will pay dividends to the world. And of course, as I start to offer content in the near future, I’d love for you to join me when what I’m offering resonates with you, and to share my work with those who you believe will find value in it.

A little over a year ago after viewing “Man on Wire,” the documentary about the life of tightrope walker Philippe Petit, I wrote in my journal, “I think I’ve caught a glimpse of what compels individuals to conduct outrageously dangerous tasks, that to so many seem irresponsible--it is about confronting limits, and breaking through walls we set for ourselves.”

I’ve learned the freedom that exists from confronting my own perceived limits and overcoming seemingly insurmountable obstacles. I’ve found strength in places I never would have willingly ventured on my own if I had let my small self lead. There is so much more left to explore, and I’m eager to help others begin to undertake their journeys so we can all travel this beautiful path together.

Rethink Everything: Part I - Language and Communication

Preface:
If I’m 100% honest, I don’t know where this post is going to end up. I do know that I become clear with myself through my writing, and this is needed right now. I’m currently teaching my students about the elements of a dystopia, of which one is: the dystopian protagonist gets the sense something is not right about society but they cannot pinpoint exactly what it is--that’s where I’m at.
Many people in my life know I’ve rebirthed myself over the last year, but only a close few know how far the rabbit hole goes. Because I’m scared to share. I’m scared because if my heart doesn’t come through in what I share, if you don’t catch the nuances of my experiences and how I journeyed to where I’m at, the story I’m creating is that you will dismiss me entirely. That you will no longer respect me. Many of you know me as a deeply cautious, hard working, and no-frills individual. I spent a lifetime on that reputation. I was dependable, operated with integrity, and willing to help where I was needed. I was safe there. But not really. I have always questioned existing structures. It got me into hot water many times over the course of my life. From Sunday School, to high school, to college, to the workforce, I don’t go many months where I’m not the outsider on something because I refuse to accept that the way something has always been done is the way it has to be done. So it should come at no surprise to myself (I am actively coming to this conclusion as I’m typing it!), that this trend would continue even once things became more...intense? I’m not sure what word to use there. So that I don’t lose the forest for the trees, I want to focus on concepts that have evolved in my life out of my experiences, instead of focusing on the experiences themself. That being said, if I pique your interest in any area and you want to know more--ask! I might say yes and I might say no, but I’m happy to share where it makes sense for me to do so.
Concept 1: Elevated Language and Communication

Keeping with my dystopian theme, last summer I read The Giver for the first time. As the giver works to transfer all of humanity’s history to Jonas, he stresses to Jonas the absolute imperative of precision of language. Precision of language is being intentional in what you say. Let your words reflect exactly what you mean. Let your yes be yes, and your no be no. I’ve been lucky enough over the last year to be part of a community where this is expected. And it’s been invaluable to have a person in my life who has helped me with this. Our language is the only bridge we have between our mind and our relationships. Until we master telepathy, we are forced to filter our nebulous thoughts through our often restrictive language. And we SUCK AT IT. Partly because I believe many people don’t understand why elevating our language is important. They’re dismissive over the idea that what they say in routine conversation can impact someone to a high degree. Let me give some examples of ways in which I’ve altered my language over the last year to help elucidate this point.

I’ve stopped (almost, I’m still unlearning this one) using the word “guys” as a ubiquitous term for a group of people. Why: guys is clearly masculine and perpetuates a societal notion of male-dominance. And, many people don’t identify as being male. If you instantly dismissed this as silly, ask yourself if it would be awkward to substitute “gals” in for a term that represents the whole. See the problem?
I have actively worked to increase my LGBTQIA academic vocabulary. These things matter. Knowing pronouns matters. Let me give you an example that just happened in my classroom yesterday. I have two trans male students. One is VERY protective over his pronouns; getting this right is deeply important to him. I told him at the beginning of the year I would make this a priority. When I have a substitute, I cross out his given name and write in his preferred name; it’s important to me because it’s important to him. I had a floating substitute in my classroom while I was also present and she was helping me distribute novels. I forgot to change this student’s name on the roster I gave her, and I stepped out of the room at this exact moment in time. She called out this student’s given name, and when he didn’t present for his book, she continued to call the name louder knowing we didn’t have any absent students. I came back in when all of this was over. After class he approached me and was crushed. I had told him I would protect him in this area and I didn’t. Hearing his given name called out amongst his peers borders on trauma for him. I messed up. And if you are thinking, “this isn’t a big deal, he has to know it’s going to happen until he changes his name,” then please sit with this for awhile, and trust me when I say it mattered. It mattered deeply.
I am beginning to recognize and alter my language that demonstrates my privilege. I am also learning when the best thing I can say in a scenario is absolutely nothing. My voice as a white person is simply not needed in many places. Deciding not to say anything is my contribution.

I’m actively learning how to change the meaning, charge, tone, and content of what I say by implementing Nonviolent Communication concepts. This could be an entire post and likely will be soon.
These are a few specific examples that represent a larger trend. Raising my vocabulary and level of communication has been a natural extension of my growth process, and I’ve put it intentionally first because it flows into all of the other areas.

Part II Topic Preview - Sexuality: Everyone Has One!

Roaches

Yes, those are dead roaches in the kitchen sink.
Exactly one year ago I knew I had reached a point where it was time to try life on my own. I hadn't made any major decisions yet, I simply knew I needed time and space. I signed a six-month lease on a small apartment in an older, but otherwise charming complex.

And then the roaches showed up--with all their extended relatives.

Initially, I naively thought I could handle it. Surely there were protocols in place for this. The apartment management could knock this out quick--a simple oversight of an unknown problem, right?

And then I realized I was terrified of these suckers. Not because I thought they could hurt me, but because they could seemingly apparate out of no where, including but not limited to: the computer, my ceiling, inside the refrigerator (and still quite alive). I grew up in the sticks. Give me snakes, giant spiders, scorpions, I know how to handle these. I have no understanding of what to do with roaches.

The management assured me they had no idea; the previous tenant had never mentioned there was a problem. It's bullshit, but they were nice enough people. They promptly sent an exterminator who told me that treating them was a process and not to expect to be bug free for at least three months. On a six month lease. Where the legal jargon indicated I could not get out of the contract as long as the complex was "taking steps to remedy the problem once they were aware."

So I went on the offensive and defensive. This was to be my first place in this brave new world I found myself in, and I would not let bugs dictate my space. Out of my own pocket I bought caulking, bug bombs, and everything else I could find that was supposed to work. The bug numbers reduced dramatically, and I was almost ready for a victory party. And then. While my precious child was taking a bath, a rather large roach crawled across the tub wall behind her. I was able to intercept it without her knowing, and in the time it took to send it to bug heaven (my vegan integrity is low here), I knew I was done.

I sent a polite, yet firm email to the office manager and cc'd the owners of the complex themselves. I indicated I would move without a fuss, no drama, no bad reviews, I simply needed out. Email sent. Prayers sent. The roach above me bowed his head in solemnity. "Look dude, it's not personal," I muttered as he scurried away from my broom.

A prompt reply the next morning said I could leave without penalty. They would even write a letter stating I had not broken my lease terms. 12 days from beginning to end. In 12 days I signed the papers, moved in, waged WW3 on vermin, packed, and moved back out.

I journaled a ton during this time, so I have direct insight into what all was happening in my head. I'll spare you that circus, but it wasn't pretty. As I sat back in my house, with my stuff half in boxes, half out of boxes, my vacation time almost over, and finding myself at square one, I felt directionless. Christmas and New Year had passed in a blur, and I was days away from returning to work where I was knee deep in my Standards-Based Grading pilot and trying to not appear like I was about to explode or implode.

I did the only thing I knew how to do. I acted. I double-downed on my apartment seeking efforts, broadening the distance I was willing to travel away from the house (this was also when the medical center rapist was rampant, so my options seemed few in that area). A relocating company helped me find Boulder Creek Apartment Homes, got me an astonishing deal on my unit, and I moved in MLK day of 2017. This complex is everything I could have ever asked for in an apartment. The apartments are nice, the grounds are nice, the management staff are all personable and attentive, I've had zero issues, and best of all, no roaches!

A few days ago I received my lease-renewal paperwork--a reminder of how much time has passed and how far I've come. I've not made my 2017 journey a secret; this year is a clear demarcation of my life. I sought healing and understanding through counseling, got into graduate school to begin changing careers into mental-health counseling, met a life-coach turned friend who changed everything for me, explored parts of myself that were dormant, started a new job at a brand new school, began the conscious uncoupling divorce process, and I'm now house hunting for 2018 and making plans to create awesome things in the world.

Oh, and I did all of this with depression waxing and waning as it saw fit.

I'm hesitant to end this with a predictable, see-you-can-overcome-challenges-too sentiment. 2017 was for all intents and purposes, terrible. All of those things above hurt. A lot. In between every small victory was heartache, tears, frustration, and lot of expletives. The fact I started the year fighting roaches, and I'm ending it on a positive event horizon, speaks to so much more than me as an individual. Many of these things happened in spite of my own efforts and attitude, not because of them. I came close to giving up more times than I care to count. I almost hate to admit it, but I respect the indomitable nature of roaches--their resiliency is impressive.

This past year I overcame obstacles because I was able to admit I needed help. I was authentic and vulnerable and the universe showed up for me in a huge way. We cannot complete this journey alone. We weren't designed to. My "why" for 2018 is predicated firmly on making spaces for people to be authentic and vulnerable with themselves and others in order to expand our awareness of who we are individually and collectively. I can think of no higher purpose.

"We're all just walking each other home."
-Ram Dass

Core Values

Earlier this year I began working with Janet Trevino from www.janettrevino.com, through her life-coaching services. During our time together she introduced me to the benefit of considering my core values. Prior to this I understood the basic notion, and knew that most business and organizations identify and utilize core values often. But I had never taken the time to identify them in my own life, or consider how doing so might influence the way I interact with myself, others, and the world at large. That has all changed. The last few months of life have been...eventful. When you’re amidst the fray and chaos of change it can become difficult to maintain a clear mind and make the decisions you will still be happy with further down the road. Enter core values. By establishing what you intrinsically and wholeheartedly value (preferably done during a time of relative lucidity and peace), it provides for you a framework from which you can make informed decisions even in times of uncertainty.

What are core values?
I operationally define core values as the premises from which I operate in my day-to-day life— the foundational beliefs I hold about myself and the world that inform my actions and decision making.

What are my core values (right now)?
I believe they can and will change as I gather more insights and experiences. Creating is presented first as it is the highest value I hold for my life. The others appear in no particular order.

Creativity/Creating
Integrity
Growth
Connection
Service
Authenticity

How did I decide upon these?
A quick Google search will return numerous sites that offer comprehensive lists of core values and exercises for determining what yours are. I did scan a few lists to see examples of the words, but I did not complete any of the provided exercises. Rather, I spent intentional quiet time reflecting on who I know myself to be and then created my list based on my reflections.

What does each value mean to me/how does it manifest in my life?

Creating - A few years ago I took a spontaneous solo trip to Lost Maples. I was searching for the answer to the existential question that plagues us all: What is my purpose here on this earth? I took my journal and an open mind. Amidst a backdrop of exquisite beauty, God revealed very specifically that my purpose was to create. When we create we are most exemplifying the essence of who God is, who we are as part of the divine. Educators will note that “Create” is at the top of Bloom’s Taxonomy as the highest form of evidence a student can produce to show mastery. If you can create, you understand the parts of the whole and how to manipulate them into something that has never existed in the world before! My main form of creating is my writing. I have looked for other expressions in art and music. I believe creating also involves the development of new ideas, relationships, and habits. I hold creating as my highest core value and I feel most in sync with myself and the universe when I actively seek to cultivate creating and creativity into each day.


Integrity - Here’s a huge secret about this one: it’s not a good thing for me right now. From early adolescence I discovered that if I couldn’t best those around me financially, academically, or with my appearance, I could be morally superior (which naturally negated exactly what I was trying to accomplish). With relative ease I could adhere to rules, regulations, and internal and external expectations of myself. I was always consistent, always on time, always prepared. I took notes in church while others whispered. I took on purity challenges, fasting challenges and prayer challenges, and executed them all beautifully. In school I paid attention, took my academics seriously, and never cheated. I didn’t drink almost exclusively so I could declare the “I don’t drink” when asked. Adults would always comment on my “maturity” and that was my reward. I was better than everyone else my age. I found security in my moral superiority. Today I would be remiss to state I’m over this. While the ties that bind me to my self-righteous past are loosening, they are by no means gone. I still judge others more than I should. I still take joy from enforcing and abiding by rules and regulations. I still crave being seen as a person with unwavering integrity. But the anticlimactic truth is that I am not morally superior; I screw things up all the time. So my goal with this core value is to get to a place where I have solid integrity over having integrity as a core value. I haven’t exactly determined what this looks like. For now, it looks like loosening my self-imposed rules and letting go of executing things to perfection (while being okay this means others might lessen the value they place on me). I’m definitely open to ideas around this.


Growth - This one comes easily for me. An aspect I truly love and value about myself is my inherent insatiable appetite for learning new (and as of late, really exciting) things. I’ve learned I’m what is called an intensive (versus expansive). Intensives latch onto something wholeheartedly and dive in deep from the beginning. When an idea, practice, or person, comes into my life that is intriguing, I’m hooked. I want to know everything all at once. What’s great about this is my brain provides the natural stimulant to make this process not only work, but to typically be very fruitful for myself. The downside of course is keeping a good balance in my life. While I do think going intensively into a particular area is an amazing experience, at some point, I have to force myself to pull back and attend to other aspects of my life so that when my “intensive phase” comes down, I still have a well-rounded life to return to. I’m thankful for friends and family who understand that these phases are a time of rich growth for myself and who remain patient and supportive.

Connection - Deeply connecting one-on-one or with a VERY small group of people gives me life. How beautiful it is to be given the opportunity to dig in deeply with another person and explore the ins and outs of what makes them who they are. Consider the following scenario: Circumstances align so that you have been gifted unlimited time and the space needed to intimately connect wholeheartedly for hours on end with another person who is equally excited to share and be with you. Does that bring you as much joy as it does me? Now in my personal scenario, there are fuzzy blankets and coffee involved, but alter it as you see fit. Ahhhhh, bliss!

Service - How can I give back to my friends, family, community, and the world? How can my actions and beliefs benefit others? For me it’s not enough to let these things just happen: I need to be intentional about serving. That is not the same thing as saying I’m successful at this. There is a time and space commitment surrounding intentional service that I have yet to perfect. I will work on being conscientious to opportunities in my life where I can give back; that is at least the first step.


Authenticity - What would it look like to present my whole self to the world without reservation or feeling the need to reign in who I am? Terrifying? Vulnerable? Rewarding? All of the above. Many in my life would say I’m oversharing —that there are simply things I should keep to myself. I think that can always be a possibility and a potential risk. Brené Brown offers the following questions to ponder when differentiating between vulnerability and oversharing:

Why am I sharing this?
What outcome am I hoping for?
What emotions am I experiencing?
Do my intentions align with my values?
Is there an outcome, response, or lack of a response that will hurt my feelings?
Is this sharing the service of connection?
Am I genuinely asking the people in my life for what I need?

With these questions in mind, I’d like to share that I am bisexual. I share this because it’s authentic and I have no shame around being who I am; in fact, it’s a pretty great place to be! :) I also share because others cannot. I recognize my privileges surrounding this topic and would like to do my part in destigmatizing our sexuality. Without fail, my friends and family who have been privy to this part of me have all expressed their unwavering love for me and who I am, and for this, I am blessed beyond measure. And while this piece of information is not required, it is important to me to note my sexuality has nothing to do with my divorce; he knew who I was and was ridiculously supportive and encouraging in this area. I am not looking for an outcome. I do not need or crave people’s support. And while it’s always nice to have, comments such as: “Agree to disagree,” “love you but not that part of you,” or the worst when it comes to this… “I’ll pray for you,” are definitely not needed or wanted. God is 100% supportive of who I am; I asked and we’re cool.

Being authentic can be scary; in fact, I think it's always scary. But it's also freeing in a revolutionary way. The weight of pretense is burdensome and grows over time. Living an inauthentic version of our life is wasteful and does not provide the fertile ground necessary to cultivating all aspects of who we are.

How do I keep these established values at the forefront of my life?
Today I will work on making copies of my values to post in the prominent spaces I occupy and a small copy to keep with me. I need to make a practice of reviewing them in the morning, and reflecting upon them at night. If the need comes up to adjust the list, I give myself permission to do so. I do not wish to for my values to become legalistic and restrictive. Instead, I wish for them to guide me and help inform my thoughts and actions.

The Myth(ology) of Scarcity

I don’t ever have enough:
time.
money.
control.

I don’t ever get enough:
sleep.
respect.
me-time.

I am never:
smart enough.
good enough.
worthy enough.

There is never enough.

I’ve learned to pay attention when concepts appear in rapid succession in my life. The notion of scarcity, or rather, the reality of the lack thereof, has surfaced in several areas for me recently. The premise is this: we are conditioned from an early age to buy into the concept of “not enough.” We internalize the idea from both the words and actions of our parents and other adults in our lives, and it becomes a self-perpetuating spiraling tornado, always threatening to destroy everything. Our culture has turned the concept of scarcity into a full-blown collection of stories and practices. But it’s not true.

There really is enough. I am really enough.

When provided with a false dichotomy, here—that there is either enough or not enough, it helps to question who benefits from having you choose (thanks, Brené Brown!). Who benefits from having me think I don’t have enough time? That I’m not good enough? It’s never me. It’s sometimes retailers, or supervisors, or even well-intentioned friends and family, but it’s never me.

What if I did an intentional and purposeful paradigm shift, and operated from the base that there is always enough of what I need and what I want? What if I own that I am inherently worthy of all the good things in my life? While I can’t be certain yet, I feel as though pivoting from a place of sufficiency instead of scarcity, will in turn, create quantifiable abundance. I can’t be certain, but I’m excited to try.

Summer of Vulnerability


“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong (wo)man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the (wo)man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly. . .”
-Theodore Roosevelt (as quoted often by Brene Brown, edits are my own)

Vulnerability. F-cking vulnerability. I’ve spent 99% of my life thinking it was a weakness, running from it. Never show your hand; always keep your motivations and next move to yourself. Leave your personal life at home securely tucked away. Never let emotions get the best of you — no one wants to see your tears, your anger, or your frustration (especially if you’re a woman). Stoicism is synonymous with professionalism. These are the world’s messages I have so strongly internalized they have become my own custom-designed-to-my-life quagmire.
Shame. I’ve learned to distinguish shame from guilt. Guilt is when we feel badly about something we’ve done or not done; shame is when we feel we ARE bad because of our actions. Guilt can be constructive in healthy measures, while shame is decidedly never healthy in any quantity. The stigmas surrounding mental health in our society are all shame inducing.

I’m a crier. What I mean by this is when I am pushed to significant levels of anger or intense sudden emotions, my body physiologically responds with tears, regardless of whether I want it to or not — AND I NEVER WANT IT TO! It is inconvenient, infuriating, and highly embarrassing, which then makes it self-perpetuating. All of the sudden I’m crying over the fact I started crying. Do you have any idea what it feels like to be the person who is crying and upset because they got into a slight amount of trouble, and now the person on the other end thinks you are being overdramatic, or worse, unstable? Or knowing you have to preface serious conversations with, “sorry if I start crying, I can’t help it.” It feels intensely shameful and weak. As a result of this process you become a master wall builder. I’ve learned to keep a safe distance between me and anything that could make me emotionally unstable. My professional identity is everything to me, and I yearn to be known as that stable person who can take things in stride. I feel like I’ve done a fairly good job at maintaining this outward persona, but it has come at the expense of my own mental health. When you piece together a falsehood for ten hours a day, it disassembles almost immediately upon entering home. Sorry family and friends.

I entered counseling a year ago to tackle my mental health issues. I felt ready to face the events that led me to this place of depression and anxiety once and for all. Which is completely laughable. Life had other plans for me and I was almost instantly sabotaged in my efforts. What started out as a process to move myself forward, quickly became efforts to just keep me from sinking. And then SHIT. JUST. KEPT. HAPPENING. And the more that happened the more I would withdraw, thus fueling the shame cycle. For those who understand this phenomenon, no explanation is needed. For those who don’t, no explanation will ever be sufficient.

Luckily, thankfully, prayerfully, gratefully, appreciatively, my therapist, Amy Ball, was the exact perfect person for me. She is one of those rare individuals who intuitively understands when to push me, when to let me be still, when to challenge my thinking, and when to just let me talk (and talk and talk). Nine months into our therapeutic relationship, and I had not yet begun to touch the issues that originally brought me in (though I was laying the groundwork for that process). At some point a few months ago, I came in armed with another turn of life events, at which point she stopped me. We looked at the craziness that had been the last year together, and then she invited me to go back to the beginning. Her invitation was to give all of the current chaos the compassion it deserved, while setting it to the side for more foundational work. I was at first skeptical and a bit hurt. How in the world could I focus on that stuff when there were these boulders in my path? At this point of the therapeutic relationship though, I trusted her implicitly, and agreed.

“If you think dealing with issues like worthiness and authenticity and vulnerability are not worthwhile because there are more pressing issues, like the bottom line or attendance or standardized test scores, you are sadly, sadly mistaken. It underpins everything.”- Brene Brown

If you’ve made it this far, here comes the good stuff. And by good stuff, I mean gut-wrenching, nausea-inducing, run-for-your-life stuff. Have I mentioned shame yet? This is vulnerability.
I have a problem with touch. (Did you just blush and get embarrassed for me? We’ll explore that later.) Let me clarify. From this point forward, all references to touch and touching are in a 100% non-sexual capacity. I have always had difficulty giving and receiving platonic touch, while simultaneously being keenly aware of my need and desire for it. In the, this-is-an-ongoing-investigation sentiment, I am not going to go into the whys here because I am still actively figuring those out for myself, and they are actually irrelevant to what I want the message of this to be.

Three-quarters into my first year of therapy, when I finally found the courage to voice this to Amy, I expected to be reproached. Given how foundational and pervasive this issue is for me, it would have been reasonable for her to be frustrated I held it back for so long. Again, thankfully, this is not who she is or what I needed. Several sessions into grappling with this topic, I jokingly mentioned making an appointment with that crazy lady on the news who gets paid to “cuddle” with people so I could work through my touch issues. We both laughed and moved on. A few sessions later, I began EMDR therapy (look it up, that could be a whole other post and I’m sure it will be someday) with Amy. Through EMDR, we targeted memories and negative cognitions to process. EMDR allows you to make progress quickly and I found myself beginning to open up more.

Fast forward to June 18, 2017 at about 5 a.m. About two weeks into my summer break and I was experiencing MAJOR insomnia. My routine was thrown off and every night I was waking up around 1 a.m. and falling back asleep around 6 a.m. My freaking 5 a.m. brain apparently thought it would be a swell idea to navigate on my phone to that crazy touch lady’s website and book a TWO HOUR session for the NEXT day! What was worse, was that I didn’t even remember doing it until I got a text from her later that morning saying she received my request and would be calling me soon. Shit. Shit. Shit. What did I just do? Surely I was not in the process of inviting a stranger into my home to touch me?! This is the stuff of horror movies. Clearly there was only one reasonable path forward to keep from getting murdered. When she called I would explain it was all a giant mistake, someone had set me up as a joke, and thanks, but no thanks crazy lady.

The phone rings. She gives her initial spiel, “Hi, my name is Janet and . . .” I listened for awhile to be polite. She didn’t sound crazy, so I let her go on and ask me questions. Before I knew it, I had actually agreed to this craziness and given over my address. And then I spent the next few hours before she arrived trying not to have the world’s largest anxiety attack.
She had given me homework that consisted of videos explaining the process, the policies, what I should wear (and not wear), the code of ethics and such. Before I had a chance to find my passport and fly to Mexico, she was knocking on my door. Don’t be awkward, Amanda. Don’t be awkward.

“Hello, I’m Janet. May I give you a hug?” Crap. Crap. Crap. Internal panic. I mustered an agreement, hugged the crazy lady, and then sat on the love seat in such a way that clearly screamed
“DO NOT SIT NEXT TO ME!”. So she sat on the corner of the other couch, and immediately leaned in to talk to me. If I had to chart my anxiety level at this point, it would be somewhere between the Texas freak out during the Blue Bell crisis, and the last five minutes of the final game the night the Spurs fell out of the playoffs.
And then. Then comes the question she even told me ahead of time she would ask.

“How would you like to receive touch?”

Let’s pause for a moment here and deconstruct this. Gentle reminder, nothing about this is sexual in any way. You may find yourself needing to repeat this aloud a few times. The rules are set from the beginning and they are what you would imagine: Clothes stay on, private parts remain private, etc. If this whole thing feels bizarre and uncomfortable at this point, good-imagine living it.

But then she continued.

“You can ask for anything and I’ll either be a yes or a no. I also will immediately let you know if I become uncomfortable at any time, and I need you to agree to do the same.”
This is a good point to stop and explain Janet a bit. She, much like Amy, has that presence to her that dissolves anxiety and awkwardness. Maybe it’s her calming smile, maybe it’s the fact you can immediately tell you have her full attention, or that you can feel the heart she puts into her work. I’m sure it’s all of that and more. I cannot describe how this works, but at this point, I was truthfully much less ready to vomit on myself, and really more curious as to what this process would look like. And, I had planned ahead of time to have Parks and Recreation going in the background so that if I needed to, I would simply completely dissociate from the experience and go to my mental safe place (which in hindsight is against her rule of putting an end to the session if I felt uncomfortable...but thankfully this was not a thing).

So what did it look like? Here comes vulnerability again. I’m hesitant to describe this, which probably means I really need to. Janet will not recommend ways of touch during the session. She gives you the homework and then it’s up to you ask. If like me, you have lived your life in such a way that you cringe at asking anyone for anything, you can imagine how terrifying this part was (and still is to some degree). I initially chose a position in which I simply laid my head on her lap on top of a pillow. And Parks and Rec was going. Pretty safe at this point. A few minutes in we were both laughing over the show, and laughter has the ability to crush anxiety in way nothing else can. I felt more comfortable and relaxed (relatively, I was still a wreck, just not actively crashing at that point). I invited us both to lay out on the couch with her back against the couch and me in front of her (spooning if you will, but that word doesn’t carry the connotation I want). She wrapped her arms around me (after asking if she could) and from there, I was hooked.

But there was still a lot of cognitive dissonance. I mean, who does this? I realized at that point my new goal was to allow myself to become relaxed and receive the touch I knew I needed. Guys, there were tears, resistance, more tears, and even now, quite a few sessions later, still tears and resistance. I liken it to someone who's averse to touch getting a massage. I love massages, but this is a much more intimate, emotional, experience. It’s not an easy process.

“Vulnerability is about showing up and being seen. It's tough to do that when we're terrified about what people might see or think.” - Brene Brown

After our second session I noticed a shift in my mental clarity. Some of my fuzziness has disappeared and I felt happy. Happiness is one of those things you don’t realize you had been lacking until a portion of it returns to you. The whole process was still scary, but I could see it was working. I wrote down what I was thinking and sent it to Janet. She asked if she could make an anonymous video about my comments. I agreed and will provide the link at the bottom. I sent the link to Amy, and we spent my next session going over this whole amazing craziness. Amy said she could see a difference in me, my friends noted the same thing, and I felt different.
So I kept going. At this point I have done around ten sessions and I wish I could give you a direct line to my head and my heart so you could see what this has meant to me. For now, just imagine what it must feel like to take your biggest fear, face it head on, and find beauty and growth in the process. I hope this is a feeling you will all come to know (or have come to know) in whatever way is most meaningful to you.

Janet understands this. She has been willing to take on the negative criticism and unfair attacks because her belief in the process is bigger than her fear of being wrongly judged. And judged she has been. The news loves to highlight her work because it draws in traffic from people who are quick to make scandalous assumptions. She has been called a whore, prostitute, accused of running a sex ring, had the city of San Antonio show up to her house and was drug into court. And she has triumphed over it all. Meanwhile, she carries on her mission which has involved working with veterans, trauma victims, the elderly, and the hosts of other people who have had their lives enhanced by her work.
Without her permission, MYSA (My San Antonio) posted an article recently about Janet and her hosting a “Cuddle Party.” Cuddle Parties are the essence of everything I have discussed, but done in a group setting - think almost group therapy stuff. It is an actual organization, there are protocols, lessons on consent, lessons on how to be a yes or a no, and it is a completely NON-SEXUAL event from beginning to end. Considering how much this work has meant to me, you can imagine how I felt reading the comment section to this article (I know, I know, never a good idea).

See for yourself: https://www.facebook.com/SanAntonioExpressNews/posts/10155497831265762

Janet is used to this crap, and did not have the same visceral reaction I did. Although it was out of my comfort zone, I felt compelled to go because I wanted to be able to to speak to the experience personally. And, I’m glad I did. The event was safe, comfortable, and empowering. Out of my desire to negate the stigma, I made a video with Janet in which we deconstruct some of the comments. Originally, my face was going to be blurred, so I put no thought into how I looked or moved in the video. Afterwards though, I realized I am not embarrassed by this work and in fact would like to consider the role of touch in my future work as a therapist. I am okay being “in the arena” with Janet (see quote at the very beginning).
I decided to not be blurred in the video, even though it makes me more vulnerable (especially because I would have never worn my hair up and might have had on a bit more makeup!).

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to the feeling of worthiness. If it doesn't feel vulnerable, the sharing is probably not constructive.”- Brene Brown

Here it is: www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1IlluoTOPc&t=762s

And here is the video she made based on my comments after our second session:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uziu21E4c90&t=14s

Coming to an end here, I’ve spent a lot of time lately thinking about norms, social constructs, family systems, counseling theories and how it all relates to my experiences and I’m sure the experiences of so many others. And in case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been on a Brene Brown binge.
Check out her TEDx talk on vulnerability at : https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability
To be clear, this stuff still scares the crap out of me. But, I’ve seen the other side, I know what beauty, creativity, and joy there is to be had. So I’m willing to take on scary and uncomfortable at this point. And, universe willing, when I get to the point where I am the therapist in the room, I want to be able to look at my client and let them know I have indeed been there and can go there with them.

I often wish we did wear our hearts on our sleeves
Or could connect our minds for a moment
Too many misunderstandings born out of misperceptions and missed connections

And the heaviness finds you - even when you try to run in the opposite direction
It circles the globe and greets you at your destination
Unfurling a red carpet for your bloodied and battered dreams
But they’re still beautiful.

Beauty awaits on the other side of fear
My just reward for being fully present
What gave me hope at the most critical moment?
It was my inner child whispering, “I’m still here and I’m still worth it”

Reminding me I’m allowed to not absorb other’s projections
I am not what their emotions say I am
It doesn’t make it hurt any less
But I don’t have to let it hurt any more

My Jesus Birthday: Celebrating God Within

At some point when I was younger, someone told me about the concept of your "Jesus Year," and it has always stuck with me. Jesus did most of his work between the ages of 30-33, and (spoiler) willingly gave up his life at 33 to atone for the sins of all mankind. Today, I have my own interpretation of the what this story means, and it's all about love. In two days I will turn 33. Sadly, I don't think I'll be saving humanity in the next 12 months. But I can say I have put in the most work in my personal life since I turned 30, and that 33 will absolutely be a pivotal year for me. And, it's all about love.

Where to start...

I haven't kept my experiences with religion a secret (see previous post: How I Lost My Religion). While I certainly don't hold the same views I did at 16, I am eternally grateful for the role the church played in the formation of who I am. Over the last year or so I have really wrangled to make sense of who/what God is, what my relation to God is, and what to do with the information once I came to some conclusions.

Not coincidentally, these musings paired with very significant life events for me that provided the empirical data on which I based my thoughts.

Presented for you now is: Religious Epistemology According to Amanda (Word of Caution: These notions are valid only for me and my experiences. Any attempt to appropriate them without living it yourself will cause much cognitive dissonance-trust me).

It started with prayer-the internal running dialogue I keep with God. Prayer for me as always been more about this invisible force you talk to throughout your day, rather than time you set aside for this specific purpose. I began to think about the mechanism of prayer. What do my prayers do? How do my prayers, or the collective prayers or people work? Let's say you're praying for someone to get healed from a disease. Is there a prayer tipping point God holds? So if 100,000 gather at the exact same time and pray for the exact same thing, is that more powerful than a single prayer offered with honesty and authenticity? Can God change his/her mind? Was her/his mind made up in the first place? You had 996 people praying. Sorry, 1000 was the magic number, better luck next time. None of this felt right to me. I have come to believe prayer holds no power in altering the mind and heart of God. What I do adamantly believe is that prayer does everything for changing MY mind and heart to align to that of God's. In other words, my prayers don't begin with "Please God heal (insert name) from (insert ailment)." But rather, "Dear God, help me to see (insert name) the way you see them, and help me to love them the way you love them." The change occurs on my end, not God's.

Which leads to my next point, one that I struggled with for so long. How can a loving God allow a child to get cancer? Why would a loving God allow or cause disease/natural disasters/poverty/terrorism/racism? And on and on. From these questions I have developed a deist point of view that is simultaneously terrifying and supremely empowering. I don't think God causes any of these things. None. Nada. Hurt and heartache is never a part of God's will for our lives. It is present though, so what does that mean? Here it is, are you ready for it? It's pretty scary. We are formed from God of God (read that again slowly). God lives inside us, is us. God created us with infinite wisdom and love and set things into motion, and now God as creator does NOT intervene. Free will, the greatest gift a loving creator could provide, inherently means we are left to our own devices, for better or worse. The things that happen occur as a direct result of the actions collective humanity has taken. When a person gets sick, a hurricane wipes out a city, a loving word goes unspoken, these actions hurt the heart of God more than they hurt us. When science allows a disease to be cured, communities come together to rebuild, comfort is freely given, these things make God's heart swell with the joy a parent feels for their child.

So then we're all alone out here as God watches from afar? NO! A million times no. Remember the point about being created from God? He lives in us, alive and active! It is the literal embodiment of being the hands and feet of God. If I want to see God intervene in a scenario, I am compelled to act. I have the power to bring God to a hurting population-not just the power, but the responsibility. I firmly believe God ONLY acts through us. I make the decision everyday to bring God's presence to a hurting world or not to. Like I said, it is simultaneously terrifying and empowering. What a commission! When I realize it truly is up to me to bring Christ's love to the world, I feel overwhelmed by the responsibility. When I realize I CAN bring Christ's love to the world, I realize how empowered I am to affect change in a real and tangible way. Imagine, just imagine, if everyday we woke up armed with the knowledge God lives in us and acts through us. How would that change your interactions? Your motivations? Your aspirations? Your relationships? Your words? It is changing your prayer from "God please do XYZ," to "God, I want to align with your heart so that I can do XYZ." See, it's a not-so-subtle difference that makes all the difference!

How has being armed with this responsibility/power changed the way I live my life? As it always should, it comes back to love.

Love for others:

One of the greatest consequences of living the concept of being God (or, of God, for those who prefer it said that way) is that no matter who I meet or encounter, regardless of their similarity or relationship to me, I know they too have God in them. Our hearts can inherently connect no matter the divide. It might take work and effort to find the connection, but it is always there. Again, think about how revolutionary this could be if everyone first sought out our connectedness before anything else. We are a world that likes to sort and order people into neat categories. What is your race, religion, sexual-orientation, shoe size? Who cares?! What does the part of God inside of you want to tell the God inside of me? That's powerful. That's the connection I want with the people in my life.

Love for my spouse:

First, I have permission to share this information. Adam and I recently had a our 11 year anniversary. Notice I didn't say celebrate our 11 year anniversary. A combination of life factors have made for quite the bumpy marriage road. I don't need to share the details, but what I can say is this: I love my husband and he loves me. Adam's greatest attribute has always been his unconditional love for people-all people. His heart inspires me and pushes me to want to be better at loving without limitations. Neither of us can definitively state we will stay together at this point. But the beauty of love is that it is not bound to a piece of paper. I can love Adam and he can love me because we recognize we are made from the same divine source at our core. Regardless of where life events take us, that bond will always connect us. Again, that's powerful.


Love for my child:
Remi. Sweet, magical, Remi Isabel. Anyone who spends time around R knows she has an old soul; this is not her fist rodeo. At four, I believe she is still closely connected to the divine power. She is loving, funny, stubborn, and quite emotional (sorry kiddo, you get that from me). How has holding deist views affected the way I raise Remi? I subscribe to the idea that my child belongs to God, not me. I have been trusted to guide her on her path, but ultimately it is her path, and her's alone. I do not get to make life decisions for her. She is being raised vegan. Once she is old enough to understand what this means and why we made this decision, she might choose to not be vegan. And this is her choice, and I will support it. I did not pierce her ears as a baby. They are not my ears to put holes in. She has recently expressed interest and when she is firm in her decision we will make a special day out of it and celebrate who she is choosing to be. For about four months when she was 3, R was adamant she was a boy like daddy. We let her be a boy. She now identifies as a girl and her favorite color is pink. Whatever her future holds is up to her, but it is my understanding of who I am in relation to God that encourages me to be the best example I can be for her. She is my heart.

Love for myself:
This one is tough. Only recently have I begun the process of disregarding who others expected me to be and began focusing on who I am, and who I want to be. Think about it. How many decisions do you make about your life based on the expectations others hold for you? Most of them? All of them? Internalizing my own divinity has allowed me to step back and view my life as part of a greater story. Taking care of myself is not a luxury, it is a requirement for fulfilling my duties on this planet. This has caused me to confront scary aspects about myself, my own journey with depression, and my relationships. But acknowledging and owning my power as part of the divine has enabled me to confront the scary, and you know what I learned? At least for me, the opposite of scary is not safety-it's pure, unadulterated, beauty. Beauty is the wellspring that replenishes me and gives me the strength to keep pushing my own boundaries. Some of you have been privy to this, and have given me the feedback that the evidence of it is overwhelming. I agree. I have opened myself up to the possibilities that exist and have refused to accept that the way things are, are the way they have to be. When I became able to ask for what I needed, the universe responded in kind. That is to say, the divine in other people responded to me and I have begun to heal.

33.

In the Gospel of Matthew we are told Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was. He responded:
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Love God (yourself), love others (the God inside of them).

I will spend 33 asking myself what this looks like. Challenging myself everyday to confront my biases, opinions, assumptions, and laziness towards my calling.

The greatest gift you can give me by far is walking with me on this journey. Letting me share my heart and encouraging me to be real and present with you. Being open-minded to my expressions, affording me what I'm sure will be much needed grace, and remembering through it all we are already connected in all the ways that matter.