Choosing Not to Play Small

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
-Marianne Williamson


The last few weeks have been eventful on many levels. From a meeting with a wonderful spiritual leader, to starting a self-study in A Course in Miracles and continuing to learn Nonviolent Communication, to completing the three and a half day Foundations of Facilitation training, this time has been ripe with intrapersonal and interpersonal growth.

Here’s a small sampling of what I’ve been learning and exploring:
-The first few times the universe/Holy Spirit presents us with a lesson, we can choose to learn through joy. It is only after we have rejected or failed to learn from these attempts that the lessons become painful (unless of course, the lesson was about pain, those are unavoidable and necessary).
-When I’m living with God at the forefront of my life, decisions come with ease because I’m being led, rather than letting my ego lead.
-When we judge others harshly, it is almost always a projection of the ways in which we are unhappy with ourselves.
-How we communicate with ourselves and others is a discrete skill that can be heightened.
-We crave deep authentic connections, and deep authentic connections are how we will heal our world.
-I am at my best when I remind myself to soften and ask, “what would love do here?”

I often wish I could plug others directly into my heart and mind, and this is certainly one of those instances. As I mentioned in a previous blog, our collective language has failed to keep up with our evolving consciousness; we literally don’t have the words for some of our experiences. How do I express that I want to change the world in a way that catches the complexities and undertones of what that means without sounding banal? When I say I want to create spaces and places for people to connect in ways that unearth feelings they may have kept dormant for years, do you hear the earnestness in my message? When I question our societal norms and expectations and demand to know why things “have” to be a certain way, can you feel my conviction and desire for us to do and be better?

When I take the totality of my experiences into consideration and ask myself where I’m being led, the answer has become clear: it’s time to pursue these adventures full time! After a decade in the classroom, I will be leaving public school teaching at the end of this year to pursue a new kind of teaching and facilitating, one based on helping others reach the fullness of who they are so they can show up powerfully in their world!

What will this look like? Well first, I’ll acknowledge this is a giant leap of faith and I’m trusting in myself and the universe. This will look like me creating content in several areas and offering workshops, experiences, coaching, and much more in the areas of personal growth and connection. I’ll be working for myself and allowing myself to be guided to areas where I can utilize my gifts and talents to effect change. I will offer content in creative visualization, authentic relating experiences, relationship dynamics and configurations, and life-organization to name a few. I will be pursuing certifications in Nonviolent Communication, Conscious Uncoupling, and Cuddle Party. I have also started to work on content related to LGBTQ+ cultural competencies in the classroom that I plan on pitching to Region 20 over the summer.

What does this mean for me functionally? Well, a lot, haha! Everything will change. This decision comes with many inherent sacrifices and its fair share of uncertainty. And there’s an incredible little person who depends on me--not a small point in all of this. Nonetheless, because I know I’m being led in this direction, it still feels like the absolute right decision. Concurrently, I’ll be able to finish my LPC licensure much more quickly, and at the end of the day, I’m still a certified teacher and administrator. I will also likely substitute teach throughout the next school year to have some guaranteed income while still allowing my time to be flexible. I have no doubt that these years in teaching have prepared me for this, and though I may or may not enter back into public education in the future, I am eternally grateful for this time and my roughly 1500 students who easily taught me more than I ever taught them.

How can you support me during this time? If you found yourself wondering this, first, thank you! :) There are some very tangible ways I could use help. I am for all intents and purposes, creating a business. This means I need to learn things about: taxes, creating a website, trademark rules, making an online presence, getting personal health insurance, and all the things I don’t even know I don’t know yet! I have no expectation for this to be easy, so I can check that off now!

Emotionally, I will need encouragement, companionship, and lots of positivity sent my way.

Financially, there are several out of state trainings I’m trying to make it to this summer that will cost several thousand dollars. Not that long ago, I would have felt I was not worthy enough to have others support me in this way; now I believe I am a worthy investment, and one that will pay dividends to the world. And of course, as I start to offer content in the near future, I’d love for you to join me when what I’m offering resonates with you, and to share my work with those who you believe will find value in it.

A little over a year ago after viewing “Man on Wire,” the documentary about the life of tightrope walker Philippe Petit, I wrote in my journal, “I think I’ve caught a glimpse of what compels individuals to conduct outrageously dangerous tasks, that to so many seem irresponsible--it is about confronting limits, and breaking through walls we set for ourselves.”

I’ve learned the freedom that exists from confronting my own perceived limits and overcoming seemingly insurmountable obstacles. I’ve found strength in places I never would have willingly ventured on my own if I had let my small self lead. There is so much more left to explore, and I’m eager to help others begin to undertake their journeys so we can all travel this beautiful path together.

Rethink Everything: Part I - Language and Communication

Preface:
If I’m 100% honest, I don’t know where this post is going to end up. I do know that I become clear with myself through my writing, and this is needed right now. I’m currently teaching my students about the elements of a dystopia, of which one is: the dystopian protagonist gets the sense something is not right about society but they cannot pinpoint exactly what it is--that’s where I’m at.
Many people in my life know I’ve rebirthed myself over the last year, but only a close few know how far the rabbit hole goes. Because I’m scared to share. I’m scared because if my heart doesn’t come through in what I share, if you don’t catch the nuances of my experiences and how I journeyed to where I’m at, the story I’m creating is that you will dismiss me entirely. That you will no longer respect me. Many of you know me as a deeply cautious, hard working, and no-frills individual. I spent a lifetime on that reputation. I was dependable, operated with integrity, and willing to help where I was needed. I was safe there. But not really. I have always questioned existing structures. It got me into hot water many times over the course of my life. From Sunday School, to high school, to college, to the workforce, I don’t go many months where I’m not the outsider on something because I refuse to accept that the way something has always been done is the way it has to be done. So it should come at no surprise to myself (I am actively coming to this conclusion as I’m typing it!), that this trend would continue even once things became more...intense? I’m not sure what word to use there. So that I don’t lose the forest for the trees, I want to focus on concepts that have evolved in my life out of my experiences, instead of focusing on the experiences themself. That being said, if I pique your interest in any area and you want to know more--ask! I might say yes and I might say no, but I’m happy to share where it makes sense for me to do so.
Concept 1: Elevated Language and Communication

Keeping with my dystopian theme, last summer I read The Giver for the first time. As the giver works to transfer all of humanity’s history to Jonas, he stresses to Jonas the absolute imperative of precision of language. Precision of language is being intentional in what you say. Let your words reflect exactly what you mean. Let your yes be yes, and your no be no. I’ve been lucky enough over the last year to be part of a community where this is expected. And it’s been invaluable to have a person in my life who has helped me with this. Our language is the only bridge we have between our mind and our relationships. Until we master telepathy, we are forced to filter our nebulous thoughts through our often restrictive language. And we SUCK AT IT. Partly because I believe many people don’t understand why elevating our language is important. They’re dismissive over the idea that what they say in routine conversation can impact someone to a high degree. Let me give some examples of ways in which I’ve altered my language over the last year to help elucidate this point.

I’ve stopped (almost, I’m still unlearning this one) using the word “guys” as a ubiquitous term for a group of people. Why: guys is clearly masculine and perpetuates a societal notion of male-dominance. And, many people don’t identify as being male. If you instantly dismissed this as silly, ask yourself if it would be awkward to substitute “gals” in for a term that represents the whole. See the problem?
I have actively worked to increase my LGBTQIA academic vocabulary. These things matter. Knowing pronouns matters. Let me give you an example that just happened in my classroom yesterday. I have two trans male students. One is VERY protective over his pronouns; getting this right is deeply important to him. I told him at the beginning of the year I would make this a priority. When I have a substitute, I cross out his given name and write in his preferred name; it’s important to me because it’s important to him. I had a floating substitute in my classroom while I was also present and she was helping me distribute novels. I forgot to change this student’s name on the roster I gave her, and I stepped out of the room at this exact moment in time. She called out this student’s given name, and when he didn’t present for his book, she continued to call the name louder knowing we didn’t have any absent students. I came back in when all of this was over. After class he approached me and was crushed. I had told him I would protect him in this area and I didn’t. Hearing his given name called out amongst his peers borders on trauma for him. I messed up. And if you are thinking, “this isn’t a big deal, he has to know it’s going to happen until he changes his name,” then please sit with this for awhile, and trust me when I say it mattered. It mattered deeply.
I am beginning to recognize and alter my language that demonstrates my privilege. I am also learning when the best thing I can say in a scenario is absolutely nothing. My voice as a white person is simply not needed in many places. Deciding not to say anything is my contribution.

I’m actively learning how to change the meaning, charge, tone, and content of what I say by implementing Nonviolent Communication concepts. This could be an entire post and likely will be soon.
These are a few specific examples that represent a larger trend. Raising my vocabulary and level of communication has been a natural extension of my growth process, and I’ve put it intentionally first because it flows into all of the other areas.

Part II Topic Preview - Sexuality: Everyone Has One!