Kingdom Slice

How do you free yourself from the bondage of expectations? That is the dilemma I find myself in; always expecting things of myself, of others. It’s bad enough we do it to ourselves; but when we transpose our expectations onto others, we put them in a race they can never win, because we will always be moving the finish line. How do you let go? I mean really let go? I’m a planner by nature. I like making lists, crossing things off when they happen; having a long-term goal with many intermediate goals along the way. But what happens when your long term goal becomes questionable, or completely unclear. What happens when you find that your expectations for your life don’t equal where you are, or at least, where you think you should be? I expected that at 25, I would be much farther along than I am. I thought I would have my masters degree, be married, have a kid (or two, or three…I digress) be completely settled and be living purely off the interest of the American dream. Instead, I have only recently eased into my profession, have no kids, and definitely not “settled” in the traditional sense of the word. I am very happily married, so I do get that checkmark. Where did I get these expectations from anyway? Certainly not my parents, their laissez-faire parenting never put any pressure on me to perform. My friends? I do have very intelligent friends. If you get into the (pointless) game of comparing yourself to others, I fall about in the middle of the success-as-defined-by-society spectrum. I am not a doctor like some of my friends, but I have graduated college and am in a respectable profession. My husband has NEVER put expectations on me and constantly tells me that I am who I am, and that person is the person he loves. So, then where do these annoying, biting, expectation bugs come from?! The only explanation is that they come from me. At some point in the last couple of years I have fallen into the quicksand of self-doubt. Why am I not more successful? Why do I not (at the very least) have my masters yet? Why do I not have a baby? Why? Why? Why? And the more you struggle the farther and quicker you pull yourself down. I know the remedy. Of course, it is obvious. The remedy is to recognize myself as a unique child of God, to whom individualized gifts have been bestowed, and to know that God’s measure of success in no way resembles the world’s bastardized definition. But knowing is only half the battle. How do I experience that freedom? How do I live it? As is evidenced repeatedly in our world, (sadly, especially in Christianity) knowing the truth and living it are not the same. I want to not worry about the future; to not expect anything. I want to remove myself from the game of comparisons and checkmarks. I need to remove the expectations I hold for others. I need to be secure in the fact that I am exactly where God wants me (or at least in the right direction.) I need to stop sabotaging my own efforts to be happy. Every time I think, “Yes, this (teaching) is what I should be doing,” the, “but what if…” question always immediately follows. So how do I do it? How do I take myself out of the driver’s seat? When it comes down to it, the main question is, “How do I get rid of my pride?” I want to fully embrace the life I have right now. How do I explain that feeling? It’s like this: we each of a piece of God’s kingdom we are responsible for nurturing. It is based on our sphere of influence and no one, not a single other person, has responsibility for that exact piece of kingdom. I want to open the floodgates and let my gifts pour out enveloping every crack and crevice, instead of hoarding them, waiting for a more “worthy” piece of kingdom. I want to love my kingdom slice! I want me to diminish so that HE can increase. I know that is the only way to be content. But how do I do it??